evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
