So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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