I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
