so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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