I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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