i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
wow bdsm is so cute
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
