he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Enjoy the penises
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
