dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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