Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
