I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
