I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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