She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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