i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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