His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
