I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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