She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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