They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
