I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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