I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
