just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
