There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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