Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
