this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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