I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
