so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
