My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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