I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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