I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
