just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
