On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
