I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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