apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
