there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize