Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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