I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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