Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
