I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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