Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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