Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize