the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
