omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
