Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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