I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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