So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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