Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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