I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize