She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
