I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
