she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
