i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
