I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
