the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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