Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
