i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
