i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
