if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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