im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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