I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
