Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
