You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
