She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
