I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
