you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
