it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
