all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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