I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
