I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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