I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
