watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
