Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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